Here, you can find reviews of our previous shows, as written by the bastards themselves! Just click on the appropriate date below to find our show reports. Special shows will be denoted by a descriptor after the date.
Show Report: January 30th at the Texas Theatre
Show report by Jason
Hay gurl, hayyyyyy!!! It’s a special Texas Theatre show report y’alllllllll!!!
Okay, I need to never do that again, ever.
Good day, LosBians and welcome to the show report for our first ever show at the Texas Theatre. We had well over 200 wild and crazy people show up and cheer us on as we added yet another superfancy venue to our long list of buildings we’ve besmirched with our sexy cocktail of glitter, snark, and nutfunk. (Downtown Funk’s gonna give it to you) Special thanks to our friends at Texas Burlesque Peepshow, as this is their regular venue for big time burlesque shows and they midwifed us into this amazing stage.
Here’s a lineup:
Frank N. Furter: Madame Leah
Riff Raff: Gus
Dr Scott: Gregg
Transies: Andrew, Baldwin, Brooklyn, Henry, Jessi, Jon, and Rainbow G.S.
Tech/Sound/Props: Kristin, Vanessa, Danny, Sean, Canadian Dave, Joe, Jon, Pete, and Brooklyn
Floorwalkers: Alex, Jason, Canadian Dave, and Sean
AV Club: PHILBANKER and Brent
As always, the show doesn’t just begin with the show, the show begins with YOU! And dancing and drinking (oh, the drinking), and ogling people who came in costume (either Rocky costumes or just dressing “down”, both are fabulous). Then time for our patented preshows! Alex, looking dapper as fuck, sat in a chair for a while. And then busted out a letter perfect rendition of “Weapon of Choice”, channeling the spirit of Christopher Walken as he traipsed about the theater, finally transcending the bounds of three dimensional space and appearing on screen to fly about like a modern Pedro Pan. Following that (and who could follow that?) was the Los Bastardos staple, Soccer Practice. Six boys, zero shame. Alex and Jason came up to spread the Bastard version of safety, then Madame Leah came up (sporting one of our brand spanking new cast t-shirts…and not much else) to woo the crowd into following all of our social media outlets and come to our future shows. We broke in the virgins in attendance, then Science Sean brought four very special virgins on stage to do chemistry involving Mentos and Diet Coke and mouths. It was called “Spit in the Bag or I’ll Kill You”, but should have been called “Let’s Check the Bag for Leaks Before the Show”. But hey, that’s why towels were invented, and we are hoopy froods who know where our towels are.
Movie start time!!! Have you seen Rocky Horror elsewhere? Well, you’ll not see our patented Opening Dance during Science Fiction Double Feature anywhere else. That is homegrown and handcrafted by LB. What you will see, is the touching story of an Asshole and a Slut. Sims and Biondini (first names are so Gen Y) stepped into the white people clothing of Brad and Janet, and we brought a lovely young lady onstage to be married to a doodoohead. He proposed to her, and she was so excited, they went to talk to a high school science teacher. But the car broke and they found…an oooooold castle. Full of jerks who danced around like a bunch of jerks. No one even offered to teach Brad and Janet how to do the steps. I mean, like most popular white people songs, the instructions are in the lyrics, but still. Suddenly, the audience was engulfed in Jenny’s gigantic eyelashes. The top of her face was like a pastrami on rye at the Carnegie Deli. Ali got all sparkly and unleashed her inner Glittertits, and Gus managed to make abs creepy. The song ended, and Brad and Janet got stripped down to their white unmentionables. No, not sexy altar boys, the other thing.
But then…FRANK SHOWED UP. Unf. Leah as Frank is like Shakespeare in the original Klingon. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out, and if you have seen it, you know what’s up and you need it more. She sassed all over the place, then we went up to the lab to make a Sean. Note: To make a Sean, add 2 liters of liquor, a five pound bag of potatoes, bring to a boil, and pour it over a Snapchat of a dick. Serves 4. Pete rolled out on 30% of a motorcycle, but then 100% of the lift with Ali. It was rad, and people cheered.
Normally we have sheets and backlight and silhouettes for the bedroom scenes. This night, we had no sheets, frontlight, and actual sexy people rolling about for your enjoyment. YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA. Janet hooked up with Rocky, Columbia hooked up with Magenta, Riff Raff hooked up a chandelier with a rectum. Dr. Scott rolled up and made everyone remember that it was dinner time. Because you always go to bed, then get laid, then wake up for dinner. It’s Thanksgiving all over again. Leah made everyone hard (by turning them into stone), then they all put on corsets for dance purposes. Dance dance dance dance oh shit armed gunmen bust into the room. WOLVERINES!!!!!! Frank, dead. Columbia, dead. Rocky, dead. Riff was smart and built his gun parallel so he couldn’t cross the streams.
We packed up our stuff, basked in your praise and love, and then went out for tacos or sleep or whatnot. Great show, and the audience really came to play! Next show is February 28th at the Inwood, and then All-Con is coming up March 13th, so definitely prepare your anus for that.
SHOW REPORT: 1-24-15
Show Report: December 27th!!!
Dr. Scott: Pete
The Criminologist: Eris
TRANSIE ARMY: Andrew, Baldwin, Brookyn, Harley
TECH/FLOORWALKERS: Phil, Brent, Jon, Danny, Gregg, Davey, Paul, Jason
Our show on Dec. 27 was a bit more of an… intimate setting than normal. Holiday showings of the latest Hobbit movie ended up bumping our show into one of the upstairs theaters, with a lot fewer seats and a lot less space to work. But we hadn’t had a real theater show since the Nov. 1 Halloween Hangover show, and damn it we missed our fans.
So we hauled up half our tech setup from downstairs and crammed a sold-out crowd into that tiny theater for a better show than any of us expected!
The pre-show we’ve been cooking up since Thanksgiving went over great, despite it not being Christmas anymore. People just love Mean Girls, I suppose. The highlight had to be the audience joining in to sing the second half of the song. Hey, when we say it’s an audience participation show, we mean it.
Saturday’s show had several cast members making their debut in new roles. Actual human cartoon Heather Biondini delighted the audience as everyone’s favorite slut, while Rainbow slapped on Eddie’s helmet for the first time(with help from Brooklyn, who in a pinch makes a pretty hilarious motorcycle prop).
Sadly, we had a few cast members making their final appearance with Los Bastardos. We’d like to thank Patricia, Harley and Snow for all their hard work, and wish them good luck in the future.
But carry on we must, and carry on we shall. We’ve got another show at the Inwood Theater on Jan. 24, and our BIG HUGE VERY IMPORTANT GET EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO COME OUT show on Jan. 30 at the historic Texas Theater!
If you are interested in joining our merry band of misfits, that time is now! If you enjoy performing, have nights and weekends free, and have a near-pathological need for attention, send us a message on Facebook and we’ll see if you’ve got what it takes!*
*a functioning brain and liver
Dec 6, 2014-Random Christmas Party Show
So sometimes we get hired to do parties, soirees, cotillions, or box socials. This is the story of one of those:
Criminologist: Phil Banker
Transies: Rainbow, Harley, Madame Leah
Tech: David, Gus, Sean
So this was a little… different. We were invited to a large house in Denton to perform at a private party! No stage, no seats, and not much tech; just a skeleton crew of cast and enough tech to play selections from the RHPS soundtrack off Biondini’s smartphone. Definitely a departure from our normal shows, but if there’s anything Los Bastardos can do, it’s roll with the punches.
After doing our damnedest to eat and drink these lovely folks out of house and home, we set up in their backyard for our guerilla show of sorts. Considering the uneven ground, cold weather and copious amounts of fancy people in varying states of inebriation, we were lucky to get out in one piece. We didn’t leave without our fair share of battle wounds, however: Biondini snagged her heel on a rock during floor show, and at some point an over-enthusiastic Gus headbutted Ali in the face. Luckily floor show didn’t end with the core cast jumping in the fountain during pool scene, sparing them from hypothermia.
In the end we performed for a small but enthusiastic crowd along with several confused onlookers and emptied the bar of every mixed drink possible (“seven and seven, heavy on the seven). Do you want to add some excitement to your fancy party? Do you like scantily clad boys and girls but don’t feel like hiring strippers? Do you have excess food and alcohol in your house that you just have to get rid of? Give Los Bastardos a call!
Nov 22nd, 2014- The Show That Wasn’t But Then It Was!
Jason (MC, floorwalking, Riff)
Gus (Crimmie, Riff, Rocky, Frank, Magenta)
Heather (Janet, Columbia, Frank, Magenta)
Ali (Brad, Eddie, Frank, Rocky, Columbia)
Brent (Dr. Scott)
Davey (floorwalking, Rocky)
Special Guest: Amanda (Magenta, Brad)
Anyone not on stage, holding a cell phone with the flashlight app open
Tonight’s motto: You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
When your monthly Rocky Horror show overlaps the release of the latest installment of the wildly successful Hunger Games movie franchise (which I certainly can’t argue with, GO TEAM JLAW), the theater still plays Rocky, because Rocky is awesome, but they can’t give us our usual room with the big cushy couches and nice stage and alcoves we can curtain off to change costumes in and space for all our props and cool stuff. This Saturday, a handful of cast members decided to host the showing anyway in an unofficial capacity, so we burst into the theater shortly before go-time to mingle with everyone and do an abbreviated version of our usual preshow.
A few were in costume, a few were in civvies, and most of us were a little tipsy because there was nobody there to tell us not to partake of the bar’s delights (HI LEAH <3) so we did our usual opening dance for Science Fiction Double Feature and then buckled down to sit and watch and shout things at the screen and then maybe Time Warp later.
That lasted about as long as…something that doesn’t last for a very long time at all, witty people please add your suggestions…because we’re all very good at being polite and staying in our seats if we’re at someone else’s theater and someone else’s show, but our own? Pfft! And the audience was in a silly and excitable mood anyway, so it was our duty as cast members to maintain that, right?
Men were women, women were men, people jumped up and played roles they were familiar with and ones they’d played long ago and vaguely remembered and ones they’d only watched others do and actually didn’t do too badly at it, you know, considering the spontaneity of it all. The ridiculousness of the whole thing made up for the lack of actual rehearsal, and the audience was clearly having fun – they had come for shenanigans and nudity, and by golly they were getting it!
Guerilla shadowcasting at its finest, people. Takin’ it back to the 70s, before people started creating these groups called “shadowcasts”, except possibly with fewer drugs (I don’t know for sure, I didn’t get urine and hair samples from anyone, ew). Running around in our actual underwear, not the costume-underwear we keep in a separate drawer and only pull out for shows and special role-play nights when our partners have been very very good. Sitting in people’s laps and petting their hair and…no, wait, we do that on normal show nights too. Getting confused on who’s playing what for this scene because it shuffled around completely from the last scene and nobody’s in the right costumes but we get it worked out and shout our lines proudly because we GOT this shit.
We stayed and talked to the audience outside after the show, free from people yelling at us to come help clean up the theater, and made new friends and shared lots of hugs and traded promises to see each other soon…hopefully in December, and if not then, in January, for an actual LB show! We even met some visitors who had come all the way from Arkansas for another event and stayed when they found out Rocky was playing the next night, who had only ever seen the movie by itself, and loved what our half-cast put on. Hope to see you again soon, Arkansas friends!
And that, all of that, is why I love Rocky Horror.
Show Report: The Rocky Horror Show at the Dallas Theater Center!!!
So this is a little different kind of show report. This isn’t a show WE did, this is a show we SAW. The great folks at the Dallas Theater Center put on a production of the Rocky Horror Show, the original stage play that Richard O’Brien wrote and which was so successful, that a movie was made of it. A movie which then took on cult classic status and grew into the midnight tradition that we carry on to this very day (monthly at the Inwood, hiiiiiiiint). So, if for no other reason, it is the honor and duty of every Rocky slut to make a pilgrimage to see the musical mom from whose loins we all spawned from.
You can’t see a show all by yourselves though, and thanks to RebeccaMom (who is a lovely and talented actress when not hooking up her favorite Bastards with sweet ticket deals and you should go see all of her shows) we were able to get a great group discount and for some really great seats. We’re talking first 4-5 rows, and some of us even got to sit on the stage! But we had so many tickets and so few cast members (seriously, we need twinks), so we thought “What better way to share the Rocky experience then to invite our audience to come with us?”. And thus the Group Date was born. 48 strong, a mass of humanity converging on the Wyly Theater in Dallas to see some live legitimate theater.
This is normally where we’d post the cast list, but what you should really do is go to this link: https://www.dallastheatercenter.org/show_details.php?sid=89 and check them out on your own. Many of them are local, and some of them are regular company members at the DTC, so if you enjoyed their work, you will enjoy their future work, even though they’ll probably be fully clothed. Sigh. We’ll single some of them out individually as we go along, TRUST ME. We stalk them now. For reals.
So our night started a little early because we wanted to assemble outside the theater and take pictures of ourselves! We dressed up all pretty in our show costumes and you can see those photos RIGHT NOW. Once we got down to the theater OH HOLY CRAP. This was one of the two midnight showings they did, and it was the final weekend of the show, and the lobby was PACKED. It was nuts to butts, and both of those things were very much on display. It seemed like everyone was dressed up as something, and everyone was looking good and sweaty. The lines for booze were so long, but they have rad sippy cups, so totally worth it. Okay, so enough of the preshow festivities…let’s go INTO THE THEATER!
Like I said, we had great seats, and so sightlines were really good for every one of us. The production was in the round, meaning that the audience completely surrounds the stage area, so the cast plays to all sides. There’s a big round area that was in the center of the room, then in the proscenium area (the part of the stage where a normal play would take place) there was an upper walkway that connected to the stage via a giant staircase…which would occasionally raise up to allow entrances and exits from underneath it. So as a tech theatre kid, I was geeking out. Between the stage and the walkway, there were five or six rows of bleacher style seats, and those were the onstage seats that some of us got to get in on (and thus, they got to be part of the show later on). In the middle of the round stage section was a tall circular elevated stage with two sets of stairs curving up to the top, and plenty of poles and bars for people to hang from and swing around on. And boy were there people! You know how our Transies rock out the black jacket and slacks look? Welp…their Transies were wearing a little…less. And more colorful. And then the girl with the saddle ass.
So the show starts with some blistering rock music from Chris McQueen and Foe Destroyer, a real life band that was brought in to provide not only the music, but engaged in multiple occasions of hijinks with the rest of the cast during the entirety of the show. Then we got the classic closeup of the LIPS. But wait, you say, this isn’t a movie! You’re right, but in a genius move, in order to make sure that everyone got to see everything, even when the action was facing away from them, the production made the decision to have a videographer running around the entire show! Not only was she super cute, but she was walking backwards most of the time, managing a cable, and capturing the images that were then piped into a couple of huge screens on either side of the stage. Not only did it allow everyone to catch the action, but there were some really clever uses of the camera and screens, so kudos! So Trixie (who bears a striking resemblance to Magenta) came out to sing Science Fiction Double Feature, and then it was Brad and Janet, waving and smiling from the top of the round platform. And boy howdy, did you ever hear a lustier yelling of “ASSHOLE” and “SLUT”.
As a side note, I don’t want to take up all the great moments…that’s for YOU to do in the comments. But here’s my version of things:
Their take on car scene (before There’s a Light) was hilarious, with several Transies using props to create an illusionary skeleton of a car. Magenta’s wig (and boobs and singing voice). Riff Raff’s cadence. Door scene (and the glory holes). Frank N. Furter’s glorious entrance, rising up from below the stage in a fabulous pair of thigh high platform heels and a purple ruffly…garment, and a fierce giant blond wig. The only performance of Hot Patootie that I’ve found musically good…and this was musically AMAZING. Dr. Scott’s Rascal scooter. BEDROOM SCENES. Epic flurries of toilet paper. People banging on the walls of the balconies like goddamn animals. Some great screamer lines being shouted out, both by us, and the rest of the audience. Seriously the sassiest Frank I’ve ever seen, by an exponential factor. SOCK GARTERS. The penis stage…that shot confetti. The Criminologist! Saddle Ass! Ahh, too much stimulation!
Okay, now it’s your turn! We want your show reports, your stories, your photos, your anecdotes, your leads on how to stalk the cast in real life! Leave it in the comments, and let’s show off our massive Rocky boners for this show!
September 27th Show Report
by PHIL BANKER
Janet : Renny
Brad : Sims
Riff-Raff : Jon
Magenta : June FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!
Columbia : Biondini
Dr. Scott : Gregg
Rocky : Snowflake
Eddie : Pete
Criminologist : Sean
TRANSIE ARMY: Ali, Amira, Andrew, Brooklyn, Harley, Sam
FLOORWALKERS: Alex, Jason, Wolf, Davey
TECH AND GRIP: Sean, Danny, Kristin, Davey, Wolf, Phil Banker, Brent, Wyatt, Snowflake, Joe
Another September is in the books as summer limps to a sad close, like a terrible local baseball team. What better way to celebrate the arrival of fall by spending a lovely evening with the Bastards?
Los Bastardos leadership is busy thinking up all kinds of wacky and sexy hijinks for our Halloween Faptacular, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have time to put on a fantastic show on Sept. 27.
This show marked the Magenta debut of Baby June, LB’s favorite walking mandatory sentence. June did a wonderful job, proving she can roll her eyes and give no fucks with the best of them.
Sean’s pre-show virgin game was foiled by science, of all things. That or the crop of virgins Biondini picked out just happened to all be adept at holding a lot of frothy liquid in their mouths. Luckily one of them was a hilarious foreigner, so everyone in the theater was just happy to hear her talk funny. Hooray for funny accents!
As if you needed any proof that we love you all so very much, we suffered for you this show. Shoes were lost, tits came out that weren’t supposed to, and poor Jenny took a spill at some point(RIP Jenny’s Frank pearls). But LB is the best there is at what we do, and we put on a great show and entertained the crowd regardless. As Gus loves to say, “Bastards gonna Bastard.”
October is going to be one hell of a month coming up, and we’re already hard at work planning a two night back-to-back Halloween blowout. Go ahead and enjoy your pumpkin spice lattes and your Hocus Pocus marathons, but remember: your Halloween belongs to the Bastards!
Show report!!! August 23rd!!!
Frank : Jenny
Janet : Renny
Brad : Sims
Riff-Raff : Jon
Magenta : Patricia
Columbia : Biondini
Dr. Scott : Gregg
Rocky : Snowflake
Eddie : Pete
Criminology : SeanTRANSIE ARMY: Ali, Amira, Brooklyn, Eris, Gus Bus, Harley, June, Rainbow, Rory, SamFLOORWALKERS: Alex, Jason, Wolf, Sean
TECH AND GRIP: Sean, Danny, Dave, Phil Banker, Brent, Snowflake, Wyatt, Joe, Paul
Well that was certainly a thing! This month’s show was our “Back-to-School” show, meaning that our crew of freelance bonermancers were all dressed as naughty schoolgirls (with the exception of Biondini, who dressed as a naughty school teacher for those of us who prefer women of legal age).
Pre-show MC’s Alex and Jason opened the show in the finest academic fashion, dressed in graduation robes and the most horrifying gym shorts known to man, respectively. After getting through the opening “syllabus” our very own Dean of Students Madame Leah led us through what might have been the longest series of ruler spankings in the history of corporal punishment.
Sean, doing double duty as Criminologist and Virgin Wrangler, devised a quiz game in which correct answers were rewarded with delectable nudity from transie Sam, and incorrect answers were “rewarded” with slightly-less-than delectable nudity from lightboard operator Joe. Unfortunately for everyone involved, Sean happened to pick a pack of virgins from the bottom of the class.
Some things cannot be unseen. Curse you, Sean Corcoran. Curse you.
The show itself went fantastically. Leah got mauled during bedroom scene, Toucha-Toucha devolved into a lesbian orgy, and Jon managed to get through the show without getting arrested for statutory. It’s a Back-to-School miracle!
Tune in Sept. 27th for our next show, same Bastard-time, same Bastard-channel!
July 26th Show Report!!!
Welp. Its been a minute since Ive written up one of these
F : Jenny
J : Renny
B : Sims
R : Gussie
M : Eris
Co : Biondini
Dr : Gregg
Ro : Snowflake
E : Pete
Crim : Sean
SA : Phil Banker
SB : Canadian Dave
Board : Joe
Sound1 : Danny
Sound2 : Jon
G1 : Danny
G2 : Snowflake
G3 : Joe
G4 : Sean
Props : Brooklyn
FW1 : Jason
FW2 : Canadian Dave
FW3 : Sean
PreShow1 : Jason
PreShow2 : Sean
Virgins : Eris
Show Report : Gussie
T1 – Ali
T2 – Amira
T3 – Brooklyn
T4 – Harley
T5 – June
T6 – Megaaaan
T7 – Rory
T8 – Jon
First off, SOLD OUT SHOW! YEAH! Our sexy sexy Facebook advertising seemed to work wonders and we had to cram that theater tighter than a twelve year old. The lovely ladies and gentleman of Texas Burlesque and the Dallas Burlesque school snuggled up front row and several members of Mudvayne managed to sneak in the back (the rest of you were beautiful and noteworthy too, don’t worry).
It was Heathers first show playing Columbia, YAY! She rocked it like the sassy bitch she is. It was also Ali’s first show with Los Bastardos and Rory’s first show in general, welcome additions all!
Preshow was fabulous with Sean filling in for our absent Bastardo del Grande, despite both him and Jason being horrifyingly winded dancing entirely too hard to Weird Al’s newest polka on walk-in.
A movie happened. People danced, people sang, Jason made terrible (NEVER TOO SOON) jokes about Malaysian Air flights never reaching their destinations. More people danced, people started dying, people started (implied) fuckin.
A Doctor showed up, cannibalism was a thing, secrets were revealed, bitches cried, bitches got pissed, more dancing.
I was sick of that shit, so I kicked the door in and started killing everyone.
And that was about it. Thanks to everyone who made it a kickass night and we hope to see you again next month!
Show report for Saturday June 28th 2014
Report by Madame Leah
Frank : Jenny
Janet : Renny
Brad : Sims
Riff : Gussie
Magenta : Patricia
Columbia : Madame Leah
Dr. Scott : Gregg
Rocky : Snowflake
Eddie : Pete
Crimmie : Sean
ARMY OF TRANSIES: Biondini, Harley, Brooklyn, Jon, June, Rainbow G.S., Sam, Megaaaan
Spot A: Phil
Spot B: Davey
Board : Joe, Danny
Sound : Jon, Sean, Danny
Grip : Danny, Joe, Gus, Snow, Pete
Props : Madame Leah, Brooklyn, Biondini
Floorwalkers : Jason, Alex
Pre-Show : Alex and Jason
Tonight was Simsie’s VIRGIN performance as Brad Majors!!!! He did super fantastic and was the best gay and sometimes wannabe gay there is!
Jenny had her birthday tonight, and she can now go into bars with us and drink…yay!
Gus was back for the first time in a long time for Riff…soooo good to see him play.
Harley was new on Transie, and Phil joined us for the first time on spotlight.
Excellent effort from all…PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE SOON!
So many colors on stage that night, too. Was loverly. Somehow we managed to lose some of our props, and I don’t even know how. HOW DO YOU LOSE A DINNER SERVER? SERIOUSLY?