Here, you can find reviews of our previous shows, as written by the bastards themselves! Just click on the appropriate date below to find our show reports. Special shows will be denoted by a descriptor after the date.
Category: Show Reports
0 Show Report: August 1st, 2015 Texas Theatre
Show report by Jason
CAST:
Frank: Jenny
Brad: Gus
Janet: Jessi
Riff: Jon
Magenta: Megaaaan
Columbia: Brooklyn
Rocky: Super Sexy Sean
Dr. Scott: Gregg
Eddie: Pete
The Criminologist: Eris
TRANSIE ARMY: Baldwin, Cameron, Fleep, Javier, Haley, Rex, Mason, Rainbow
TECH/SOUND/GRIP/PROPS: Phil Banker, Sara Darling, Danny, Sean, Cody, Baldwin, Madame Leah, Pete, Paul
FLOORWALKERS: Jason, Alex, Phil Banker, Cody, Sean
We could get used to these early shows. Kicking off the proceedings at 10:30 p.m. gives us enough time to put on an awesome show, thrill an audience, pack up, get some food in us and get home before sunrise. The audience last Saturday at the Texas Theatre seemed to approve as well, as they were one of the most excited and energetic crowds we’ve had in a long time!
That or it was the booze. Or the historic venue. Or the fact that our cast is easily the best looking in Texas. Either way, the next crowd has big shoes to fill.
One of the highlights of this week’s pre-show antics was the magical box of butts! Somehow, we got a hold of a box full of small foam butts. There was no way we could keep this treasure trove to ourselves, so not only were the little foam butts given away as virgin game prizes, but Alex just started throwing tiny butts at random audience members. See? When you come to a Los Bastardos show, you’re bound to get a little ass.
Speaking of virgin games, this week marked the return of a classic LB game, where our contestants have to Lady and the Tramp a twizzler between the two of them. Brooklyn found the perfect couple of frat bros to awkwardly do it, while two girls went at it in a version of the game we call “Please Just Do It.” Everybody wins!
The bubbly-as-always Jenny played Frank, once again playing the character probably the most unlike how she is in real life. Gus and Jenni played everyone’s least favorite innocents Brad and Janet, while cast veterans Jon and Megaaaaan played Riff and Magenta. Brooklyn returned as Columbia, and nailed “the lift” better than ever before, with more than a little help from Pete as Eddie. Brooklyn dealt with the bird, and dealt with it hard.
We’re keeping this party going this Saturday at the Ridglea Theatre, with special guests Glitterati Revue putting on a burlesque set before our show! Doors open at 8 with the burlesque show starting at 8:45, and we’ll hit the stage at 10! Get your tickets now, because it’s going to be one hell of a show!
0 Show Report: July 25, 2015 Inwood Theatre
Show report by Phil Banker
CAST
Frank – Jenny
Brad – Gus
Janet – Jessi
Riff – Jon
Magenta – Manda
Columbia – Brooklyn
Rocky – Baldwin
Eddit – Rainbow
Dr. Scott – Pete
The Criminologist – Eris
TECH/SOUND/GRIP/PROPS Carrie, Sara Darling, Super Sexy Sean, Rainbow, Danny, Joe
TRANSIE ARMY Ali, Kyle, Fleep, Haley, Rexy, Mason, Javier
FLOORWALKERS Alex, Super Sexy Sean, Phil Banker
It’s the dog days of summer, so what better way to cool off AND turn up the heat than with a Rocky Horror beach party! Los Bastardos brought all the appeals of a beach to the Inwood Theatre on July 25, without all the downsides of sharks, jellyfish, pointy sand, dolphins, irresponsible boaters, and the only sand in sight is whatever your ex-girlfriend brought in her vagina.
What we did provide was bikinis, mankinis, inbetweenkinis and a whole lot of goofy pool accessories, delighting a theatre full of pseudo-beachgoers. Let’s be real here: you’re always likely to see some skin at a Los Bastardos show, so why not have some fun with it?
We departed from the theme a little bit for this weeks virgin games in light of this week’s news regarding Hulk Hogan. Several Bastards are very big wrestling fans, and news that Hulk Hogan is actually a racist sack of shit hit us all hard. If, by hit us all hard, you mean “made us laugh uncontrollably in a storm of internet memes.” Naturally, this show’s virgin game had Gus forcing contestants to dotheir best Hulk Hogan impression by tearing off a t-shirt. By the end of the contest one lucky winner walked away with a framed photo of the Hulkster and a t-shirt as dead as his career!
Saturday’s show saw the debut of Jessi as our newest Janet! Despite her young age Jessi is a veteran stage performer, so it was no surprise she took to slutting it up for us like a duck to water. Gus did a great job dragging her along as Brad, but Jessi held her own molesting Baldwin as Rocky and rocked it in the floor show. We can’t wait to see what else she can show us.
Also debuting this past Saturday was Phil Banker as floorwalker. Me. I can’t speak objectively as to how well I did, but I managed to keep a group of about ten drunk 40-year-olds alternating between laughing and groaning for the whole show, so I’ve got comedy skills on par with the average early afternoon Vegas warm up comic. It’s a start!
Crowd favorite Jenny returned as Frank-n-Furter, alongside Brooklyn, Manda and Jon as Columbia, Magenta and Riff-Raff, respectively. Rainbow appeared as everyone’s half-dead rock-and-roll zombie Eddie and Alpha Beard Pete played Dr. Scott complete with his now-trademark body stocking for floor show. It’s a good thing so many people came out in their beach clothes, because everyone went home wet(and for once it wasn’t because of broken A/C in the theatre)!
If you missed out on this show, fret not: we’ve got three shows scheduled before we ship off to New York City in September for Rocky Con. We’ll be at the Texas Theatre at 10:30 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 1, followed by our third show at the Ridglea Theatre in Fort Worth on Aug. 8, complete with a burlesque show beforehand!
Our socks are soaked, but our pants are bone dry: everything’s coming up LB!
0 Show Report: June 27th, 2015 Inwood Theatre
Show report by Phil Banker
CAST:
Frank: Jenny
Janet: Megaaaaan
Brad: Ali
Riff: Jon
Magenta: Manda
Columbia: Biondini
Dr. Scott: Gregg
Rocky: Sean
Eddie: Pete
The Criminologist: Phil
Transie Army: Cameron, Kwin, Mason, Jessi, Brooklyn, Christy, Baldwin, Javier
Tech: ‘Merican Dave, Sean, Danny, Madame Leah, Sara, Carrie
Floorwalkers: Jason, Alex
Oh man guys, if you missed this show, you really missed out.
What was originally planned as a normal, run of the mill Rocky show at the Inwood Theatre took on special importance after the events of June 26, when the Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. Los Bastardos and Rocky casts in general are gay-friendly by default, if not actively recruiting people into non-traditional sexualities. In celebration of love winning out in the end, we gayed it up even harder than normal for this show. We pulled out every piece of rainbow everything we could find, and likely bought out every color of makeup within several miles. It was a glorious display of support for a decision that, much like one of Alex’s orgasms, too far too long to come.
Tonight also saw the debut of the lovely Manda as Magenta, and she absolutely killed it (not killed them, technically that’s still Riff’s job). What a talented, beautiful, amazing, sexy and totally not standing behind me with a large blunt object while I’m writing this woman. Totally.
Sadly, as one person comes into her own in a new role, another leaves. The lovely Heather Biondini played Columbia tonight, in her last show for the foreseeable future. We wish her the best of luck as she steps away to focus on other pursuits. If you just can’t get enough Biondini in your life, go check out Ootori Group Cosplay on Facebook.
The Gay Train packed the Inwood Theatre for this show with a bevy of fans helping us celebrate all those sweet, delicious new marriage rights we’ll never use because we’re all horrible black hearted monsters. Being ever-so-adaptable we were able to fight our way through a few minor technical glitches to bring you the best show you can see on a Saturday night in Dallas. We started the evening with Virgin Games brought to us by the lovely Brooklyn, who managed to find a gaggle of noobs who could finally form a rainbow without speaking to one another (after already being given a second shot, christ they’re thick). Yay, the terrorists (or Greg Abbott) didn’t win!
As the movie began we had initially planned on having all of the same-sex couples in the audience come up as Ralph and Betty for the wedding scene, but we could only find two couples. Hopefully the rest were busy on their hastily-planned honeymoons after Friday’s announcement. Saturday’s show had a little bit of everything: birthday shenanigans for our favorite (and only) Jenny, a brand new Magenta and Jessi’s questionably legal nipples. No better way to celebrate post-Gay Day!
If you feel bad for missing this month’s show… well, you should, it was fantastic. But don’t fret! We’ll be coming back to the Inwood Theatre on July 25! Until then: keep it real, keep it gay and keep it real gay!*
*You know, if that’s what you’re into
0 Show Report: A-Kon 26, June 6, 2015
Show Report by Jason
If it’s early June and we smell like sweat and ramen, then it must be A-Kon! This year, the crowd was amazing, as we came very close to having to turn people away for a room that looked like it seats…600? 700? Over 9000? The line started before we even showed up with our trailer, and at least a third of the audience was there by the time doors opened. We had an hour of video goodness that you seemed to enjoy, and then it was time for some preshow. Alex threw his back out (probably from all that pussy he’s crushing), so Madame Leah made a rare non-announcements appearance to do rules with me. That’s her being super excited about how offensive the show is! (In the photos, this is a reference to the 600+ photos we uploaded) Sean came up to put our virgins through our favorite A-Kon game: fake the orgasm of whatever you’re dressed as! We had two terrible awful weaaaaaak orgasms…and then we had two amazing epic sexy ones! Then I got to see a crowd go absolutel apeshit over a framed photo of the Kool-Aid Man being given away as a prize. Good job, audience.
After all that, it was showtime! But since this is a special convention for fans of anime, we decided to honor (read: pander) the audience and do a special version of our lineup. Yes, it was an All Anime Theme Show! (mostly) Here was the lineup:
Frank: Jenny (Emporio Ivankov)
You know how Frank gets shot with a laser? Jenny got shot with the sickness laser, so she showed up but was unable to perform. She helped people with makeup though, because nothing keeps Jenny all the way down! So instead we had:
Frank: Snowflake (nothing)
Well, he was a very last minute replacement, so he didn’t have a costume. Wait, hold on!
Frank: Snowflake (Ditto, copying Frank)
Boom!!!
Janet: Biondini (Sailor Moon)
Brad: Ali (Tuxedo Mask)
Riff Raff: Gus (James of Team Rocket)
Magenta: Megaaaan (Jesse of Team Rocket)
Columbia: Brooklyn (Chibi Moon)
Dr Scott: Gregg (Genma)
Rocky: Baldwin (Vegeta…NOT GOKU)
Eddie: Pete (Lordgenome)
Crimmie: Sean (In a constant state of Sailor tranformation)
Transies (In order of how hard they worked on their costumes: Manda (Magikarp!), Jessi (Jigglypuff), Jon (Tyranitar), Haley (Togepi), Cameron/Mason/Kwin/Fleep (“Pikachu/Mudkip/Charmander/Squirtle), Sims (Absent), Henry (Snorlax)
Florwalkers: Jason, Minion, and Jeremy (came back to help/were there and wanted to help)
Tech, sound, and props: Carrie, Danny, ‘Merican Dave, Joe, Sara, Phil, Brent, and Madame Leah
This show was insane! Extra costumes, extra props, extra makeup, and hella wigs. Wigs in Texas in June! So, appreciate THAT! Brad and Janet came out to get married, but they were whatever Sailor Moon’s normal name is, and then the other one. The one dressed like AC Slater. Then, because real costume changes are harder than a Magical Girl Transformation Sequence, Brad and Janet in the car were played by Columbia and No One, and the windshield wipers were played by Magenta and Kinda Me. Thankfully, everyone got their outfits on fleek and Brad and Janet made it to the Denton City Gym…umm, the Dr. Frankenstein Place. Blue Haired Riff answered the door, then Red Haired Magenta threw a duster at him, and then POKE TIME WARP!!! Seriously, just look at the photos of Mandakarp, and imagine how great it was to see in motion. We’ll have video up eventually, maybe, but imagine it anyway! IMAGINE IT! Columbia with giant pink hair and a tiny hat! The hat! It was smaller than usual!
At some point, Leah took off her pants and was running around in tank top and panties. And you missed it.
Snowflake was a Sweet Transvestite, and really you can change up all kinds of things about Rocky Horror, but Classic Frank is unbeatable. Plus, he has a Deadpool tattoo, hasn’t he suffered enough? And Naruto! Ali had adorable rose pasties (because Ali is a girl, and also Tuxedo Mask), and Frank activated the Hyperbolic Time Chamber so that Vegeta (NOT GOKU) could achieve Super Saiyan levels. Although, his T-cell count is under 9000. Just when Frank was about to get his hands on two more Dragonballs (innuendo!), Lordgenome came out on his Motorcyclenn and fucked shit up. He chased those Pokemon around until they were all out of PP (You can’t ride your bike there!) and then lifted up the Columbia that would pierce the heavens.
Riff Raff did some really uncomfortable grinding on Vegeta. Really uncomfortable. Probably spawned three new Tumblr hashtags too. A lucky audience member, cosplaying Frank n Furter, won our lesbian raffle and got to be in a Maggie/Columbia sammich. And Columbia had a kigurumi on in a hot room, so you KNOW that had to be TANGY. Dr. Scott/Genma came out looking for Ranma, but stayed away from whatever temperature of water would have turned him into a panda, because IT WAS SO HOT. Candy was had and flung by all. Everyone changed into dfifferent outfits for floor show, and then Frank got all hot and emotional, and then they all jumped in the pool, and everyone got aroused/disturbed by Sailor Moon and Chibi Moon getting all handsy with each other. But Magikarp hopped in the pool too, and used Splash! It was not very effective.
Instead of Riff and Maggie busting in with spacesuits, it was full on Team Rocket, complete with Team Rocket taunts that you couldn’t hear because the crowd was going too apeshit. Except the very last line, which Gus forgot, and is not “OH FUCK!”. For the record. Frank got shot, Columbia got shot, Rocky sprayed his mouth so he could arrive in Valhalla all shiny and chrome. And got shot. Sailor Sean brought it all home, and that was it! Another A-Kon show in the bag. Tote bag. With underage lingerie schoolgirls on it. Full of plush figures of sushi or frogs or something.
Next show: June 27th at the Inwood! Check us out!
Frank: Jenny (Emporio Ivankov)
You know how Frank gets shot with a laser? Jenny got shot with the sickness laser, so she showed up but was unable to perform. She helped people with makeup though, because nothing keeps Jenny all the way down! So instead we had:
Frank: Snowflake (nothing)
Well, he was a very last minute replacement, so he didn’t have a costume. Wait, hold on!
Frank: Snowflake (Ditto, copying Frank)
Boom!!!
Janet: Biondini (Sailor Moon)
Brad: Ali (Tuxedo Mask)
Riff Raff: Gus (James of Team Rocket)
Magenta: Megaaaan (Jesse of Team Rocket)
Columbia: Brooklyn (Chibi Moon)
Dr Scott: Gregg (Genma)
Rocky: Baldwin (Vegeta…NOT GOKU)
Eddie: Pete (Lordgenome)
Crimmie: Sean (In a constant state of Sailor tranformation)
Transies (In order of how hard they worked on their costumes: Manda (Magikarp!), Jessi (Jigglypuff), Jon (Tyranitar), Haley (Togepi), Cameron/Mason/Kwin/Fleep (“Pikachu/Mudkip/Charmander/Squirtle), Sims (Absent), Henry (Snorlax)
Florwalkers: Jason, Minion, and Jeremy (came back to help/were there and wanted to help)
Tech, sound, and props: Carrie, Danny, ‘Merican Dave, Joe, Sara, Phil, Brent, and Madame Leah
This show was insane! Extra costumes, extra props, extra makeup, and hella wigs. Wigs in Texas in June! So, appreciate THAT! Brad and Janet came out to get married, but they were whatever Sailor Moon’s normal name is, and then the other one. The one dressed like AC Slater. Then, because real costume changes are harder than a Magical Girl Transformation Sequence, Brad and Janet in the car were played by Columbia and No One, and the windshield wipers were played by Magenta and Kinda Me. Thankfully, everyone got their outfits on fleek and Brad and Janet made it to the Denton City Gym…umm, the Dr. Frankenstein Place. Blue Haired Riff answered the door, then Red Haired Magenta threw a duster at him, and then POKE TIME WARP!!! Seriously, just look at the photos of Mandakarp, and imagine how great it was to see in motion. We’ll have video up eventually, maybe, but imagine it anyway! IMAGINE IT! Columbia with giant pink hair and a tiny hat! The hat! It was smaller than usual!
At some point, Leah took off her pants and was running around in tank top and panties. And you missed it.
Snowflake was a Sweet Transvestite, and really you can change up all kinds of things about Rocky Horror, but Classic Frank is unbeatable. Plus, he has a Deadpool tattoo, hasn’t he suffered enough? And Naruto! Ali had adorable rose pasties (because Ali is a girl, and also Tuxedo Mask), and Frank activated the Hyperbolic Time Chamber so that Vegeta (NOT GOKU) could achieve Super Saiyan levels. Although, his T-cell count is under 9000. Just when Frank was about to get his hands on two more Dragonballs (innuendo!), Lordgenome came out on his Motorcyclenn and fucked shit up. He chased those Pokemon around until they were all out of PP (You can’t ride your bike there!) and then lifted up the Columbia that would pierce the heavens.
Riff Raff did some really uncomfortable grinding on Vegeta. Really uncomfortable. Probably spawned three new Tumblr hashtags too. A lucky audience member, cosplaying Frank n Furter, won our lesbian raffle and got to be in a Maggie/Columbia sammich. And Columbia had a kigurumi on in a hot room, so you KNOW that had to be TANGY. Dr. Scott/Genma came out looking for Ranma, but stayed away from whatever temperature of water would have turned him into a panda, because IT WAS SO HOT. Candy was had and flung by all. Everyone changed into dfifferent outfits for floor show, and then Frank got all hot and emotional, and then they all jumped in the pool, and everyone got aroused/disturbed by Sailor Moon and Chibi Moon getting all handsy with each other. But Magikarp hopped in the pool too, and used Splash! It was not very effective.
Instead of Riff and Maggie busting in with spacesuits, it was full on Team Rocket, complete with Team Rocket taunts that you couldn’t hear because the crowd was going too apeshit. Except the very last line, which Gus forgot, and is not “OH FUCK!”. For the record. Frank got shot, Columbia got shot, Rocky sprayed his mouth so he could arrive in Valhalla all shiny and chrome. And got shot. Sailor Sean brought it all home, and that was it! Another A-Kon show in the bag. Tote bag. With underage lingerie schoolgirls on it. Full of plush figures of sushi or frogs or something.
Next show: June 27th at the Inwood! Check us out!
0 Show Report: May 23 2015, Ridglea Theater
Show report by Phil Banker
CAST:
Frank: Jenny
Janet: Biondini
Brad: Sims
Riff: Jon
Magenta: Megaaaan
Columbia: Brooklyn
Dr. Scott: Gregg
Rocky: Baldwin
Eddie: Pete
Criminologist: Gus
TECH/GRIP/PROPS/SECURITY: Carrie, ‘Merican Dave, Danny, Sean, Joe, Phil Banker, Brent
FLOORWALKERS: Alex, Jason, Sean
TRANSIE ARMY: Cameron, Kwin, Manda, Mason, Rainbow, Fleep, Javier, Madame Leah
What an absolutely fantastic show! A whole horde of horny Fort Worth fans swam through a flood outside just to make a flood of their own inside – albeit definitely a more exciting and sticky flood. This Saturday’s show was one of the memorable in a very long time thanks to an enthusiastic crowd, the beautiful venue of the Ridglea and a whole host of new amenities including a preshow video edited by Brent Barron and laser displays courtesy of Laser Ed.
Both the cast and the audience got a special treat when our very own Madame Leah joined the ranks of the Transie Army for a night. Our fearless leader is usually occupied with either playing a core role, managing props, or sitting in the front row with her notebook, judging us all harshly and without mercy. In this case, it’s always fun to watch the master at work.
Another highlight of Saturday’s show was clearly the “lesbian scene” between Magenta and Columbia, along with the friskiest twink we’ve seen in a long time. Toucha Toucha was a wealth of riches this week, between Biondini as Janet violently violating Baldwin as Rocky and Megaaaan and Brooklyn pushing boundaries with the friendly twink. There’s a reason people pay good money for those lesbian raffle tickets, folks.
Again, huge thanks to the staff of the Ridglea Theater for inviting us to put on our show in your amazing venue. Folks, if you want to see us back in Fort Worth on a regular basis, swing over to their Facebook page and let them know!
We’re two shows into our hardcore May gauntlet of shows, with our next Inwood Theater show set for May 30 and our annual A-Kon show the weekend after! Get your asses out here and have the most fun you can with your pants on!
0 Show Report: May 9 2015, Ridglea Theater
Show Report: May 9 2015, Ridglea Theater, Fort Worth!
Show report by Phil Banker
CAST:
Frank: Jenny
Janet: Biondini
Brad: Gus
Riff: Jon
Magenta: Megaaaan
Columbia: Brooklyn
Dr. Scott: Gregg
Rocky: Baldwin
Eddie: Pete
Criminologist: Super Sexy Sean
TECH/GRIP/PROPS/SECURITY: Carrie, ‘Merican Dave, Danny, Sean, Joe, Madame Leah, Phil Banker
FLOORWALKERS: Alex, Jason, Wolf, Sean
TRANSIE ARMY: Ali, Cameron, Haley, Henry, Kwin, Jessi, Manda, Mason, Rainbow
Neither green skies nor tornadoes over Tarrant County could stop Los Bastardos’ triumphant return to Fort Worth at the beautiful Ridglea Theater! A loud, proud and sexy crowd braved wind, rain and I-30 traffic to come out and get rowdy with us for the first time in a new venue. We’ve always had a solid following in Fort Worth and it means a lot you all came out to support us last night.
The Ridglea Theater’s setup made for a show unlike many in our recent past: mainly because it’s an actual stage meant for live performances. Our cast took full advantage of all the extra room and put on one hell of a memorable performance. The staff of the Ridglea Theater deserves a special thank you for their hard work and patience in helping us entertain the good folks of Fort Worth. Especially the bartenders, who help make us better looking and funnier with the magical power of alcohol!
While we’re doling out special thanks, a few specific people deserve shouts: Brent for putting together the hilarious DVD loop for preshow, Danny for his work on light board, and LB alumnus Bizah for jumping in and working sales for us before the show. You can take the girl out of the Bastards, but you can’t ever take the Bastard out of the girl.
The show itself went fantastic, with veteran Frank player Jenny chewing the scenery while scaring the shit out of little Heather Biondini as Janet. Gus returned to the stage as Brad for the first time in a long time, while Brooklyn, Jon and Megaaan tore it up as Columbia, Riff and Magenta respectively. Baldwin looked strong as Rocky, Gregg rolled around as Dr. Scott and Super Sexy Sean got his pants off as Criminologist, somehow.
Why were his pants off, anyway?
Don’t miss your next opportunity to get on the Hot Mess Express at our next Ridglea Theater show on May 23! After that, check us out at our home theater, the Inwood, on May 30!
0 Show Report: April 25, 2015- Inwood Theatre
By Phil Banker
You want to know what happened on Saturday night?
Paul Blart jokes with move accompaniment.
… Wait, you wanted to know about the rest of the show? Fine.
CAST:
Frank – Jenny
Janet – Biondini
Brad – Ali
Riff – Jon
Magenta – Megaaaan
Columbia – Brooklyn
Dr. Scott – Gregg
Rocky – Baldwin
Eddie – Pete
The Criminologist – Super Sexy Sean
TRANSIES:
Cameron, Haley, Henry, Manda, Kwin, Mason, Rainbow, Sims
TECH/SOUND/SECURITY/PROPS:
Phil Banker, ‘Merican Dave, Sean, Danny, Madame Leah
FLOORWALKERS:
Jason, Sean
Saturday night’s show saw lot of new recruits to Leah’s Transie Army take the stage for the first time, and for the most part they managed to not screw up! It’s a good show when your cast director threatens violent murder three or fewer times. A ever-so-slighty-subdued crowd braved rain drenched streets to come out and see us, and the new kids didn’t disappoint.
Jason and Super Sexy Sean kicked off the evening’s festivities and Sims wrangled up some fresh meat for virgin games, which involved a dirty scavenger hunt involving phone cameras. Want some advice? If you want to win virgin games, bring some shameless friends. Though to be fair, that’s pretty solid advice for any Rocky-related shenanigans.
For the second show in a row, Baldwin (our newest Rocky) has managed to stay on the edge of the tank without falling. Either the transies are getting better about weighing that tank down, or my assassins have failed. Either or, really.
Have you ever heard a joke so many times, it gets lame enough to where it loops right back around to funny? That was Jason on Saturday night with the goddamn Paul Blart jokes. The Blartpocalypse came to the Inwood Theater and Jason was its awful herald. Somehow he found a way to make fun of a bad movie with an even worse movie. Not sure if that makes him a genius, or a monster. Probably both.
This was the go-home show (wrestling reference!) before a month of craziness coming up in May! We’re making our grand return to Fort Worth with two shows at the Ridglea Theater on May 9 and May 23, followed by our traditional show at the Inwood Theater on May 30! After that we’ll be at A-Kon on June 6, dancing and cavorting our little weeaboo hearts out.
We’ve got lots coming up so stay tuned to our various social media channels! Happily consume our stuff and baby-bird it to all your friends!
… Alright, that’s a little gross. But do it anyway!
0 Show Report: March 28 2015, Inwood Theater
by Jason
We had a really big Saturday, not only our normal hijinks at the Inwood, but we were also invited to perform at the Texas Theatre for the Oh! Rocky! burlesque show by Texas Peepshow Burlesque, who are awesome and put on great shows! Not only did we perform Time Warp to kick off the second act of the show, BUT, our own Ali had her solo burlesque debut! She put on a great Usherette tribute to “Science Fiction Double Feature” (with a little help from us…mostly in the yelling department), and wowed the crowd! But after the Time Warp, we had to tear ass to the Inwood for our own performance!
Obviously, you want to know the lineup right? RIGHT?!?!
Frank – Jenny
Janet – Biondini
Brad – Danny
Riff Raff – Jon
Magenta – Megaaaan
Columbia – Brooklyn
Dr. Scott – Pete
Rocky – Baldwin
Eddie – Rainbow
Crimmie – Philbanker
Transies – Ali, Cameron, Henry, Jessi, Kwin, Manda, and Sims
Floorwalkers – Jason and Alex
Tech and everything else – Brent, Carrie, Davey, Kristin, Madame Leah, Sean, Wolf
Doing things is hard, and doing things for the first time is harder. BUT, we had some people doing things for the first time tonight! Brooklyn’s first official Columbia was tonight, as was Baldwin’s first official Rocky. You may recognize them from February when the roads were iced over and we livestreamed a drunk-ass runthrough. Well this was their first time to do it for realsies! Also, Megaaaan may have been Magenta for the first time too, I thought she’d done it before years ago, or in Austin or somesuch, but whether first time or not, she rocked it hard! We also had Danny back as Brad for the first time in a while, which is a thing. A scruffy gnarled thing. This was also Kristin’s last show, as she is going into the exciting world of working on weekends!
Preshow kicked it off, and we got some really scared virgins up on stage to show their favorite sex positions, and favorite cartoon characters, and rub up on their new favorite cast members! Hi Brianna! The winner got a framed picture of Macho Man Randy Savage elbowdropping Jesus (to stop the Rapture, obv), but Leah tried to STEAL IT! Fortunately, she is fun sized and I am super tall. So instead, she flashed the audience. So, you’re welcome, bitches. And I made her another one for her house, so there. Everyone wins except me, because I did not see her tits. Fuck.
Movie right? Movie. We seriously had SEVEN gingers on stage! Not natural ones, but they were there. A rainbow…of reds. Props to the casties who pulled double duty, as a lot of us were at the Texas Theatre really early Saturday to perform/help, and Ali did like four performances total during the day. Oh, which reminds me (like I need much remembering), Black Mariah was there! She did her amazing Magenta routine (with feather dusters instead of fans) at the Texas, and then Frank’d up to come see our show, even though she was also exhausted from performing! And she had enough energy to stand in for Brad for bedroom scene, and her and Jenny got FREAAAAAAKY! They even scissored, even though as Jenny yelled out, IT DOESN’T WORK!
Most Rocky shoes are Chuck Taylors sprayed gold. Sorry for ruining the magic. Baldwin, however, has these RAGONK boots that are almost knee high, and are just…you’ve got to see them. Brooklyn managed to break the 90 degree angle for her first lift, which is pretty impressive, especially with a girl Eddie. Nothing against girls, just…you know. Uteruses.
Floor show went great (it damn well better have, we rehearsed HARD Friday). After the show, we…went home? Yes, home.
Bonus Sunday Content!
About a dozen of us threw rectal caution to the winds and went to TGI Fridays for Endless Apps. ENDLESS. So much fried cheese. After two hours of self-flagellation, we caught some light sporting content, aka WREST’L’MURICA! Five hours of drinking and yelling at wrestling, and in the end, Seth Rollins walked out WWE Champion, AS GOD INTENDED. Good weekend, thanks to everyone who was involved! Have a good Easter, or a good Sunday followed by cheap Reese’s eggs on Monday.
0 Show Report: March 12 2015, Moulin Rouge at All-Con
Los Bastardos Presents Moulin Rouge! All-Con 2016
Role Call!
Satine:
– Jenny
– Ali
– Rachel H.
– Biondini
Christian:
– Brian
– Cody
Bohemians:
Satie –
* Phillip (Conductor)
* Biondini
The Unconscious Argentinean – David
Toulouse – James
Audrey – Biondini
The Doctor – Pete
Green Fairy – Christina
Harold Zidler:
– Paul
– Jon
– Jeff
Diamond Dogs:
– Ali
– Eris
– Kristin
– Mariah
– Christina
– Rachel R.
– Erica
Nini Legs in the Air:
– Mariah
– Camille
– Kristin
The Duke:
– Gus
Warner:
– Chris
ENSEMBLE
Like A Virgin Dancers:
– Biondini
– Erica
– Sean
– Mariah
– Wade
Montmartre Dancers:
– Eris
– Paul
– Kristin
– Biondini
– Mariah
– Ali
– Christina
– Phillip
– Erica
– Cody
Hindi Dancers:
– Kristin
– Cody
– Rainbow G.S.
– Erica
– Biondini
– Pete
– Phillip
– Mariah
– Rachel R.
– Rachel H.
– Christina
ALL-CON YAAAAAY! MOULIN ROUGE *falls asleep from exhaustion*
When we were told by our magnificent director Leah that we would be helping out with a shadowcast production of Moulin Rouge, the hands couldn’t go up fast enough amongst the ranks of Los Bastardos. Along with some friends of the convention and some friends of those friends, we set out to put together a Spectacular Spectacular performance!
Oh God why
Months of watching the movie again and again and again to learn the choreography and the lines and the pauses (Christian, seriously, get that stuttering thing under control) drove us to exhaustion for most of us and insanity for a few others! The night before and the day of the show was a picture of chaos as props and costumes and sets were built, re-imagined, and rebuilt. People left things places that would show up in other places and discord was rampant. We managed to pull together just in time for the doors to open and wow, All-con attendees didn’t disappoint!
Against all thoughts, we were entirely full! That’s right, somehow, on a Thursday night when the convention wasn’t even ready to sell badges, we filled an entire room with people who were just as retardedly in love with this movie as we were.
ON TO THE SHOW!
The preshow music was an awesome mix of women-empowering mash-ups and the dancers did NOT disappoint in their ability to bring it! The lights dimmed and some sexy ladies of Los Bastardos (Leah, Kristin, Ali, and Biondini) got the crowd pumped up and slightly aroused with a sexy performance of Lady Marmalade. After Leah kicked us off the stage and introduced the production, the lights dimmed and the game was on.
We open with Phillip dressed as Satie conducting his imaginary orchestra in a fantastic overture and fade to James in the most fantastic Toulouse costume you will ever see. (Seriously, he made this harness thing to strap to his thighs so he could walk around on his knees comfortably with little shoes poking out!) He sang the beautiful opening ballad from on top of our (BEAUTIFUL AND ARTISTIC) elephant and the lights went up on Brian, typing away at his (authentic) typewriter. After the standard introduction where he informed us that yes, we were in Paris and yes, this is about whores, we were interrupted by David flinging himself onto the stage in a red onesie as our Argentinean. Phillip (Satie), myself (Audrey), and Pete (The Doctor) quickly scurried in to look down on our unconscious comrade. In a rapid scene change, Brian barrel-rolled out of the way so that Cody could leap into place ready to go as Christian in the Swiss poet outfit. Divas were sassy, Doctors were confused, and words couldn’t be decided on until Cody opened his mouth and beauty poured out. On stage, the menfolk drank some naughty water and Christina in the most fabulous green underwear you will ever see (with complete glowing wings) seduced our Bohemians as the Green Fairy of Absinthe. As the men were led offstage, the belles of the ball and Paul as Harold Zidler took the stage in preparation for the CanCan.
CanCan was a dazzlement. These girls put SO MUCH into their outfits; HUGE billowing skirts with layers and layers that they shook and shimmied until the audience was cheering. You could see the hours and hours of practice as all of the girl NAILED the dance, and rhinestones and silk and satin flew everywhere and in faces until it was time for the SPAHKWEEN DIAMOND.
Jenny. Wow. You guys have to look at the pictures in order to understand the fabulous and SHINY that was her Satine costume. She stunned the audience into silence as she was rotated on the firm shoulders of Pete and Cody (but only because we couldn’t figure out how to rig an ACTUAL trapeze). They whirled her around until they deposited her gracefully on the stage and from there the number was full of energy and Jenny copying Satine squeak for squeak. Once Jenny and Paul got to dance together, they totally creeped on the tables where Chris, Gus, Brian, James, David, Pete, and I were sitting, enjoying a quiet evening. Somehow Gus with his pedo-stache was mistaken for Brian’s clean-shaven chin, and then it was time to vanish. Because movie magic is just that: magic, we couldn’t REALLY figure out a way to get the same girl in and out of a full costume, SO WE DIDN’T!
Brilliantly swapping behind the swishing skirts of our Diamond Dogs, Jenny hopped offstage to change while Ali popped up in the most fantastic pink outfit you will EVER SEE EVER.
Let’s take a moment to talk about this girl’s costume: She bought three huge ostrich-feather boas, hand-dyed them to be the right pink, hand sewed on every single rhinestone onto her boobs and crotch, and topped it off with a FABULOUS wig that just screamed Satine. After leading Brian around in a dizzying dance where even MORE misunderstandings happened, it was time for our Diamond to ascend to the glittery heavens where she belonged. Unfortunately she died. Well, kind of. She did fall backwards to simulate death. The audience was full of bloodthirsty die-hards though, so we appeased their lust for blood by launching a blow-up doll dressed EXACTLY like Ali into the audience for them to sob over while we got ready for the next scene. Rachel H. teased a bit as we got a quick glimpse of her beautiful red dress she would be wearing for other scenes as she chatted with Paul about sexing poor Brian up. James, David, Pete, and myself snuck behind the elephant to creep on the…poetry…while Jenny took the stage once again as Satine. She was all legs and lace as she prepared to be seduced by the fumbling attempts at poetry that Brian was trying to tell her. The look of absolute discomfort and the shrieks of laughter were a testament to how happy people were with Jenny’s rolling on the ground and orgasmic squeals. Brian proceeded to serenade the absolute fuck out of her anyways, and then shit hit the fan.
Enter Gus.
The thing about Gus’ Duke was you couldn’t tell if he was about to rape you or try and strangle you; and the audience Ate. It. Up. Seriously, nothing quite beats the look of orgasmic bliss on his face as Jenny stuck her head between his legs to shoo Brian offstage. After flinging him around like a ragdoll, Jenny finally shoved Gus offstage and proceeded to drop her glorious 5’10” frame onto Brian’s delightful 5’4″ one. Jon watched everything happen like a freaking creeper from on top of the elephant as he stepped in for his scenes as Zidler, and dove backstage so he could sprint to the other side and come on for his proper entrance. Soon, it was a madhouse of Bohemians, Bourgeoisie Pigs, and Moulin Rouge Employees as excuses were made.
Spectacular Spectacular was absolutely fantastic, tons of energy and tons of pelvic thrusting and some mad improv skills. After Gus managed to make everyone in the room feel dirty with his “it’s a little bit funny *twitch twitch* this feeling insiiiiide” bit, we finally convinced him that throwing his money at us was a good idea, then dove off stage. Rachel H. took the spotlight in her beautiful Strawberry Satine dress, singing Fly Away so perfectly and wistfully that we almost wish Brian didn’t have to interrupt, but then we remembered that the Elephant Love Medley was next so it was okay. Let me tell you, listening to the audience singing almost louder than the movie was freaking awesome, and every single one of you should feel fantastic because of it.
After the lovers decided on being lovers, our editing of the film showed through as we cut the mushy montage out and skipped right to the part where Gus is crushing his hat in an oddly phallic manner while screaming at Paul that Satine was to be his alone. Cut to the other side of the stage where Cody and Ali are canoodling behind closed doors and Zidler is once again watching their intimacy (seriously, dude?) and some super sneaky Like a Virgin background dancers moving onstage and you have the set up for the gayest scene in this whole production.
Like a Virgin was performed by Gus and Jon as the Duke and Zidler, respectively, and Biondini, Erica, Sean, Mariah, and Wade as the glitterpants background waiters. I don’t even know how to describe the dance other than GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY that ended with like, thirty confetti cannons and bottles and poppers that showered the audience in sparkles as if what they just watched wasn’t homosexual enough. Then things got serious as Mariah as Nini opened her mouth (again) and let the Duke onto the idea that Ali and Brian (in the cutest hipster scarf/hat combo ever) were diddling behind his back. Enter Ali slow walking in her GORGEOUS gown to distract Gus from the obvious lurve happening between Satine and Christian. Then rape happened.
Tango: Oh man, tango. Months of stepping on toes, debating foot placement, and working around sudden injuries came together into the most intense tango anyone is likely to see outside of a legit tango performance. David and Camille got way up in each other’s grills as the Argentinean and Nini as the others started trickling their way into the audience. The partners were Eris and Paul, Biondini as the man with Kristin, Ali as the man with Mariah, Phillip and Christina, and Cody and Erica. At the end of the number when the Duke is definitely raping Satine, Rachel H. instead stood in front of the screen with the now legendary Consent is Sexy sign, hiding the blatant trigger warning from view. After Nini (died?) from some pretty serious manhandling, the scene shifted to a beautiful and haunting performance of The Show Must Go On performed by Ali and Paul.
Once Satine tells Christian that he can gtfo, the scene shifts to the opulent and colorful Hindi dance scene. The ladies on stage were Mariah, Erica, Kristin, Biondini, Christina, Rachel H., Rachel R., and Rainbow (who was technically playing a guy). The gentlemen were Cody, Pete, and Phillip while Jeff took the stage in a fabulous red robe as Zidler. Kristin was flipped upside down and Biondini and Erica were lifted and the other girls kept beautiful synchronicity with their arms until it was time for Jenny to once again take the stage as Satine. After a riveting performance, she was lifted and spun by our men and lowered perfectly so she could recite the final words of the song surrounded by our girls and guys in a picture perfect shot. (Seriously, go look at the freaking album)
Some wicked cool white sheets were put up as Biondini took the stage in a white wedding gown for our final scene. Brian chased her through the sheets, demanding to pay his whore and generally causing a lot of angst. Everything came to a head when the lights came up on Christian and Satine in a painful position (my legs were killing me) and Jeff (now in an even MORE fabulous white robe and turban) covered our asses by making it seem like it was part of the show. Cursing pauses for effect, Brian finally threw Biondini to the floor before making it rain on her whore ass with some bills stuffed in his pocket before walking away. James shrieked from backstage the catchphrase of the movie and Biondini stopped and proceeded to try and copy Nicole Kidman’s perfect lungs and failed miserably. She must have done something right, because Brian started singing back! Everyone was filled with warm fuzzies and everything was going great until Toulouse finally managed to get back on stage, sending everyone into a frenzy before leading us in a fantastic and goosebump-inducing group performance of Come What May.
As everyone cleared the stage merrily, something was clearly up when Biondini started acting all kinds of funny. Sure enough, death was once again upon us as she spat up enough blood to stain her white wedding dress (Ali slipped her a blood capsule during the chaos of Come What May) as well as Brian’s face as she finally and sadly died.
Except for the part where she didn’t.
You see, we didn’t like the movie’s ending, so we made our own!
Christian yells at somebody, anybody, to get The Doctor! So we did! In a troll move that ended up sending the audience to their feet screaming with joy, Michael Bartosh as the 10th Doctor stormed the stage, saving Satine’s life force in a move that can only be called epic! As time reversed and Satine was brought back to life, Jenny strutted down the aisle in her sparkle dress from the opening number, throwing a sexy smirk over her shoulder as the ending credit song Living Dead Girl played. After that were bows and more bows and pictures and almost tears and teardown and then it was done!
All I can say, as someone who busted butt along with so many other talented performers and craftspeople, this show was epic.
Freedom. Beauty. Truth. Love.
0 Show Report: March 13 2015, Rocky Horror at All-Con
All-Con Report, Take 2, because I deleted the first one, dammit
Jason here, hating life because 800 words just disappeared. All-Con is fun, Moulin Rouge was great and if you missed it then you are a pile of garbage. Rocky happened on Friday and it was great.
We did three preshows: Lady Marmalade, which was debuted Thursday before Moulin Rouge, Nerd Girl, which is totally new, and Soccer Practice, which is old but we keep adding new boys to it to KEEP YOU WET. We also had a lovely playlet about consent during rules, and it is an important thing if you are at a convention and don’t want to be shunned or insulted in the hot tub, you know who you are! Now here’s the lineup:
Frank : Snow
Janet : Biondini
Brad : Sims
Riff : Gus
Maggie : Jenny
Columbia : Ali
Dr. Scott : Gregg
Rocky : Sean
Eddie : Pete
Crimmie : PHILBANKER
Transies – Baldwin, Brooklyn, Cameron, Henry, Jessi, Jon, Kwin, Manda, Rainbow, Megan
Techs: Kristin, Davey, Danny, Sean, Gregg, Madame Leah
Good times, classic lineup with a lot of our new transies in place. This was the first All-Con show for some folks, but they adjusted to the stage JUST FINE. I honestly don’t remember a lot of the actual show, because Alex and Devin and I got together in the aisle and just had a terminal case of the giggles and threw out a bunch of jokes and the rest of you can POUND SAND. Everything was rad, although I was super sad that we didn’t have the ball pit downstairs for the pool scene. Because that would have made me happy. Sigh. Time for cereal. Come to All-Con next year, bitches.
