Show report by Jason
Hay gurl, hayyyyyy!!! It’s a special Texas Theatre show report y’alllllllll!!!
Okay, I need to never do that again, ever.
Good day, LosBians and welcome to the show report for our first ever show at the Texas Theatre. We had well over 200 wild and crazy people show up and cheer us on as we added yet another superfancy venue to our long list of buildings we’ve besmirched with our sexy cocktail of glitter, snark, and nutfunk. (Downtown Funk’s gonna give it to you) Special thanks to our friends at Texas Burlesque Peepshow, as this is their regular venue for big time burlesque shows and they midwifed us into this amazing stage.
Here’s a lineup:
Frank N. Furter: Madame Leah
Riff Raff: Gus
Dr Scott: Gregg
Transies: Andrew, Baldwin, Brooklyn, Henry, Jessi, Jon, and Rainbow G.S.
Tech/Sound/Props: Kristin, Vanessa, Danny, Sean, Canadian Dave, Joe, Jon, Pete, and Brooklyn
Floorwalkers: Alex, Jason, Canadian Dave, and Sean
AV Club: PHILBANKER and Brent
As always, the show doesn’t just begin with the show, the show begins with YOU! And dancing and drinking (oh, the drinking), and ogling people who came in costume (either Rocky costumes or just dressing “down”, both are fabulous). Then time for our patented preshows! Alex, looking dapper as fuck, sat in a chair for a while. And then busted out a letter perfect rendition of “Weapon of Choice”, channeling the spirit of Christopher Walken as he traipsed about the theater, finally transcending the bounds of three dimensional space and appearing on screen to fly about like a modern Pedro Pan. Following that (and who could follow that?) was the Los Bastardos staple, Soccer Practice. Six boys, zero shame. Alex and Jason came up to spread the Bastard version of safety, then Madame Leah came up (sporting one of our brand spanking new cast t-shirts…and not much else) to woo the crowd into following all of our social media outlets and come to our future shows. We broke in the virgins in attendance, then Science Sean brought four very special virgins on stage to do chemistry involving Mentos and Diet Coke and mouths. It was called “Spit in the Bag or I’ll Kill You”, but should have been called “Let’s Check the Bag for Leaks Before the Show”. But hey, that’s why towels were invented, and we are hoopy froods who know where our towels are.
Movie start time!!! Have you seen Rocky Horror elsewhere? Well, you’ll not see our patented Opening Dance during Science Fiction Double Feature anywhere else. That is homegrown and handcrafted by LB. What you will see, is the touching story of an Asshole and a Slut. Sims and Biondini (first names are so Gen Y) stepped into the white people clothing of Brad and Janet, and we brought a lovely young lady onstage to be married to a doodoohead. He proposed to her, and she was so excited, they went to talk to a high school science teacher. But the car broke and they found…an oooooold castle. Full of jerks who danced around like a bunch of jerks. No one even offered to teach Brad and Janet how to do the steps. I mean, like most popular white people songs, the instructions are in the lyrics, but still. Suddenly, the audience was engulfed in Jenny’s gigantic eyelashes. The top of her face was like a pastrami on rye at the Carnegie Deli. Ali got all sparkly and unleashed her inner Glittertits, and Gus managed to make abs creepy. The song ended, and Brad and Janet got stripped down to their white unmentionables. No, not sexy altar boys, the other thing.
But then…FRANK SHOWED UP. Unf. Leah as Frank is like Shakespeare in the original Klingon. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out, and if you have seen it, you know what’s up and you need it more. She sassed all over the place, then we went up to the lab to make a Sean. Note: To make a Sean, add 2 liters of liquor, a five pound bag of potatoes, bring to a boil, and pour it over a Snapchat of a dick. Serves 4. Pete rolled out on 30% of a motorcycle, but then 100% of the lift with Ali. It was rad, and people cheered.
Normally we have sheets and backlight and silhouettes for the bedroom scenes. This night, we had no sheets, frontlight, and actual sexy people rolling about for your enjoyment. YOU’RE WELCOME, AMERICA. Janet hooked up with Rocky, Columbia hooked up with Magenta, Riff Raff hooked up a chandelier with a rectum. Dr. Scott rolled up and made everyone remember that it was dinner time. Because you always go to bed, then get laid, then wake up for dinner. It’s Thanksgiving all over again. Leah made everyone hard (by turning them into stone), then they all put on corsets for dance purposes. Dance dance dance dance oh shit armed gunmen bust into the room. WOLVERINES!!!!!! Frank, dead. Columbia, dead. Rocky, dead. Riff was smart and built his gun parallel so he couldn’t cross the streams.
We packed up our stuff, basked in your praise and love, and then went out for tacos or sleep or whatnot. Great show, and the audience really came to play! Next show is February 28th at the Inwood, and then All-Con is coming up March 13th, so definitely prepare your anus for that.